The kids went back to school this week. Summer has its own ebb and flow, but by the end of August they start to miss their school friends and get excited about challenging their brains again. Honestly, I think they operate best when they know what’s ahead of them each day as well.
For me, it’s a bit tougher. I think about how all the change of a new teacher and a new group of classmates and possibly new support staff will make or break our year. Last year was a tough one for our girl. She had THREE different classroom teachers because of two maternity leaves. She had her support hours cut from full time assistance with one aide to 2.5 hours per day split up between 3 different helpers. It was chaotic, communication was a nightmare and I feel like rather than see her blossom over another school year, we watched her tread water just well enough to keep her nose in the air.
Her one saving grace was that she was with her best friend. They have a really beautiful and special friendship that I worried my baby would never find. In fact our main goal for her in her IEP in kindergarten was for her to make a friend. And did she ever. I think every parent worries about how well their child is handling social situations and whether they feel loved and accepted in friendships, but us parents of children with disabilities take that worry to level 10+.
There is no question that it is harder for our kids. Mine struggles with social cues, being aware of her personal space and that of others and can change the direction of a conversation in one second flat if she’s confused or disinterested in what’s going on. It makes some other kids feel overwhelmed and like she’s too much, or even mean/rude and that’s fine – I’m not everyone’s cup of tea either.
Her disabilities and buoyant personality also make other kids enter a weird “parental” or care-taking role with her. Which as sweet as it can be, severely restricts her ability and desire to really engage in play with them. There have really only been two or three kids she’s made a true friendship connection with and when it happens it makes my heart pretty much explode in my chest.
When my girl and her bestie started their relationship, it was during the pandemic year that school was in, but parents weren’t really allowed in the school and were encouraged to hang around as little as possible. So we never really got to see the beginning of it all. One day as we were dropping her off, she ran up to this other little girl that was tall with curly har (just like my daughter), they gave each other a big hug and ran off to the playground holding hands. And ever since that day, that is how they’ve started their mornings together. Of course I tracked down the other girl’s mom in the parking lot so we could meet up outside of school and we found out we live about two blocks away from each other. Now we do playdates and the occasional family dinner and our girls love for one another grows all the time.
This year, the start of school was a bit chaotic. For some reason, they had not assigned the children to classes and teachers on the first day. They just went to their classrooms from last year and spent the day playing games and reading books. The parents all got an email at the end of the day to let us know who our child’s teacher would be for the second day. So you can imagine my heartbreak when I found out that my daughter and her friend were not in the same class this year. It was even harder when I tried to explain to her that even though they had spent that first day together, that they would be moving to separate classrooms.
Can she use this opportunity to make some new friends? absolutely.
Can she play with her best friend at recess? 100%
Does her little face fall every time I remind her that her friend is not in her class this year? Every single time.
Even though it’s not reading or cooking or self-care skills, my sweet little one needs extra support here. Change is extra hard for her. Forming bonds is extra hard for her. Her repetitive brain constantly checks in about the familiar and needs to be reminded of the new. Now in her second week instead of telling me her friend is in her class, she tells me that they’re in different classes every morning when she wakes up. We’ve found ways to frame it positively for her, and she is starting to accept the change and we set up a playdate for later this week so we can continue to foster her friendship.
When I think about all this change and my worries about my girl, I can’t help but think of my older guy that we had change schools entirely last year. He started grade 5 in a new school away from the kids he had been with since kindergarten because his original school wasn’t able to keep him safe. Too many incidents had happened where no teachers or administrators were willing to step up and take responsibility or action to create an environment that was supportive and safe for my child. They made it easy to pull him out and move him elsewhere, but he was very worried. A new place with new kids and no friends. The transition ended up being incredibly positive for him, but that first day and even the first week or two were pretty scary. Ultimately, I was very confident that he would be fine because he’s cute and funny and smart and “normal”, so kids relate to him very easily. I don’t have to get in touch with all the other moms to make sure he forms friendships, he just does. And I’m so grateful that he does.
As this school year unfolds, and we get back into the groove of 7:30 wake ups and 8:15 departures, and the kids hit their stride with classroom routines, I settle into routines myself. I walk the dog along the trail by our house after drop off, and now I’ll try to work a bi-weekly playdate into our months. I’ll keep my fingers crossed that my girl’s teacher will stick around this year and that they’ll click. I’ll keep hounding our health authority about having her next assessment (that was due this past summer), and hope that we can qualify for more support so that we don’t have to go through last year again. And I’ll hope this hiccup with my girl separate from her best friend in the classroom is just that, a blip.
How do you support your kids’ social development now that they’re in school?
Let me know in the comments!