My baby is turning 5 this week. She’s my last one (of two) and although many moms lament the end of the baby stage, I’ve existed in this constant state of near-babydom for a very long time. My sweet, loving, cuddly and truly Heart-Led girl is a developmental conundrum. She was late to sitting, crawling and walking, but the doctors told me she was still “normal”. She spoke at a fairly usual stage, but she still struggles with pronunciation and context. She’s a whirling dervish of activity and NEVER stops moving unless she’s asleep and even then she’s a mover and shaker. She’s still not potty trained. What she is is pure love.
When she was about 3 she used to wander away from me and find the nearest grandmotherly looking woman and crawl into her lap or ask for a hug. While it terrified me that she had no fear whatsoever of strangers, I used to watch these women LIGHT UP every time she did it. I don’t know if she had a knack for choosing the women who really needed a three year old to accost them, or if all women of a certain age love little girls who love on them, or if it was a particular spell that my girl cast on them, but there was pure joy on their faces when she did it. They would smile like the one thing they had been missing in their lives was a little girl crawling into their laps and giving them a squeeze.
She’s grown out of that stage, at least for strangers, but honestly, that is her essence. That is her currency, and that is how she lives and sees the world. Not a meal goes by where I don’t have to remind her that we can hug after dinner. When people ask what she’d like for Christmas or for her birthday, I can never answer because she doesn’t give a shit about “stuff” and if you ask her what she wants she always starts singing (either “all I want for Christmas is my two front teeth” or “Happy Birthday” depending on the occasion).
Whenever we meet new people I feel the need to explain her to them, as though if they know up front that she’s different they’ll be able to ease into her a little, but what I’ve learned over the last few years is that that’s more for me than anything else. I’ve always had a lingering feeling of pain when it comes to that sweet bundle of love and light. I worry about how she’ll fit into a classroom, and how her peers will treat her with her great big open heart and how that may change her as she gets bigger. I worry about her being taken advantage of or manipulated or even just teased. I worry about both of my kids, but this little one worries me most. Rachel Hollis just made a video about kid’s birthday parties and how moms should RSVP and SHOW UP for other moms. These early years are a bit easier since the parties are more about the parental social circle than the kids, but sending classroom invites in a year or two knowing that your kid is different is daunting. Now as I reflect on the soon to be birthday of my baby, this is what I want to you to know about the kid in your child’s classroom that’s different.
No matter how that kid behaves, they’re just seeking to be let in and fully accepted by their peers. So many times the kids with Autism, ADD, ADHD, Developmental Delay, and any other number of diagnoses are behind in social/relational development. They may do really age inappropriate things to attempt to be included. We have to look past that as parents and focus on the inclusion part and not on the behaviour parts.
YOU are the filter through which your child will view the kids with challenges. Teach them that everyone has their strengths and weaknesses and that all of them are OK. Ask them what their classmates and friends are really good at to set each child up for success.
Go to the parties! Chances are that you don’t really know the kids or the parents at your child’s school. Those parties are an opportunity for you to meet other moms, to show them support (and believe me, moms with challenging kids need it more than ever) and to start or grow your girl gang!
Form relationships with kids who get left out. I work with kids all the time, and lots of my friend’s kids have behavioural or developmental diagnoses. When you show your own child how to interact and support and play with kids who are outside of the norm, you’re not only showing that outsider that they’re worthy of love and friendship and play, but you’re modelling to your child how it can be done.
ASK!!! I can’t stress this one enough. If you’re not sure how to interact with a child with special needs, ask their parents. Ask if you can give them a snack, ask if they’re able to participate in a sport or game, ask what their activity preference is, or what their skill level is. We literally spend thousands of hours explaining our kids to people and your questions don’t hurt or insult us, they comfort and encourage us (if you’re being polite and showing genuine interest).
Finally, just like she could peg a kindly older lady from 100 feet, my kid can spot bad energy from a mile away. Most kids raised in loving and supportive homes can. It goes back to that “intuition thing” that I always like to talk about. It starts early and if we foster it as moms, we can raise safer, more tuned-in and aware kids. Heck, we can be a generation of confident moms raising confident kids!
I hope we can grow and learn to get there together.
xoxo
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