Maybe it's just me, but I'm always worrying about the stuff I'm getting wrong. The conversations I wish had gone differently, the witty things I wish I had said or regretting the 5 minutes I was running late. Those are often the things that my mind races through as I try to calm it to go to sleep at night. It's not exactly peaceful and it can really rev up my anxiety. I feel like lots of other moms can relate, since we all worry - for life. These downward spirals can be dizzying, and ultimately aren't all that helpful, so I thought I'd share some of the key skills and personality traits that I know are getting me through this life with my family and may be some you've considered are helping you - or are new ones you want to focus on.
Because we all know that even though our minds can stray towards the negative, that each day we're at least getting some things right. So here's a positive and sometimes (hopefully) funny list of some of the things you're becoming an expert at:
You have the patience of a saint
We aren't all born this way, and some days I completely run out, but having a saint-load of patience has saved us from some pretty wild moments. Momma, if you have a kid who runs wild, has only a loose understanding of the word "no" and/or is fiercely independent (but struggles with the physical aspects of a task), patience is your greatest strength. I have no idea how, but remaining cool under pressure has become one of my super powers. If you've got it, it can help you diffuse a meltdown, get the morning routine taken care of and the kids off to school in time without ruining everyone's day. Those situations that we go through daily that many other families could never imagine are an opportunity for you to work on your patience muscle. And since you work it out daily, you are making gains, mama! And all that hard work is paying off, because staying calm and being patient with your kids keeps them close. Way to go ;)
You are a skilled negotiator
There is no more skilled negotiator than the parent of a special needs child who can no longer physically manage that child. When they're little it's different. They want your help. They need your help. Sometimes when they're bigger they need your help, but don't want it or want your help but don't need it. Our girl is 8 now and she's tall. If she doesn't want to get dressed (which she still needs help with), I can't just dress her like I used to when she was a toddler. It has made me a master of negotiations. We all have our currency, and our kids are no different. Our girl loves food and FaceTime calls with her grandparents and social time with her friends and screen time. It took a long time for those values to become evident for her. Your kids have their prized activities, events and things too, so you know exactly how to negotiate bedtime prep. How to get them into the car in an orderly fashion and how to reward them for a routine well executed. Careful though, your local PD might notice how gracefully you handled that last standoff and offer you a job.
You found a way to get organized
Nothing gets a family all on the same page like having to be in 4 places at once. When it was just me and my husband, schedules could be figured out with a simple conversation or a text message. If we were feeling fancy we could add items to each other's online calendars. Now we have 4 people and a dog to coordinate with appointments, school, work, sports and social events. It's a little more complicated than a quick chat. We use a few tools to keep us on track and I'm sure you've found something amazing that works for your family. I personally enjoy the giant paper mom calendar that we keep on the fridge along with my personal agenda on my phone. It means we never miss appointments, arrange drop offs and pick ups for all the kids stuff and schedule in a sitter every now and then to go out with friends or hit the town for a date. We get up early to make sure we have enough time to get everywhere. We anticipate how much extra time our girl's delays will factor in to everything. And I know you do the same. It's not always a perfect system, but if there's one thing I've noticed about moms who have all these extra therapies, specialists and research to do, is that they're on it. You're not winging it mamas, you're handling it.
You're a Life Interpreter
You know when your littles are just learning to talk, but you're the only one who understands them, so you proceed to interpret their adorable little words to everyone who doesn't quite get it? I feel like we get to do this for a really long time. My little lady has speech delay, so I literally still do it, but when we're explaining our kids to everyone, it feels like an interpretation. "Yes, xyz is their diagnosis (or maybe they don't have one at all), but here is what it means in their day to day life, or what their learning objectives should be for the year, or what their specific challenges are under that umbrella". And even though you spell it out for some people, they still don't really get it. It's like they don't even speak the same language. But you find a way to make it so that people can see your baby's strengths and how they can start to help support them where they're weaker. You draw a diagram when words aren't doing the trick because you are very good at what you do - interpreting a bunch of psychology or medical terminology into the life of a human being. One you love to the moon and back.
You are tenacious
Sometimes we fail. I sure as heck do. Sometimes all the patience in the world just isn't enough to get us through the day. Some days my kids only seem to interact in bouts of physical altercations and arguments. And sometimes I get it wrong. I misunderstand how things went sideways, or I react instead of assessing and addressing. But you know what? I get up and try again tomorrow. I try again because I want to be the best mom I can for them, but also because I want them to remember feeling heard and seen when they're all grown up. I'm also tenacious when it comes to getting them what they need. I know you fight for your kids all the time. You seek resources to meet their needs. You find support people to help them be their best. You are the squeaky wheel when it comes to making sure they are safe and cared for. When you fall, you get back up, dust yourself off and get back to being your amazing self, because you must!
You've kept your sense of humour
I've said this before and I'll say it again: Laughing about some of our craziest or most tense times has completely changed our lives. There have been moments where we should or could have been upset about how our lives were unfolding, but we chose laughter and joy instead. Perspective is everything. My favourite story to tell about humour in the tough moments was a few years back: Speech delay was stopping the "k" sound and was often replaced with "t". We were on a road trip and the kids (4 and 6 years old at the time) were in the back seat and giving each other a hard time. Our son was really pushing our daughter's buttons and she turned to him and with perfect diction said "Hayes, fuck off". In his horror at being told off, he said "mom and dad, did you hear what she just said to me??!?!!!!?" and instead of being horrified by her use of an adult word, we responded "yes!!!!! she said "K"!!!!! Well done baby girl!" Now when we look back on that moment of her first "k" sound, we all giggle. If you've kept your sense of humour, then I know you have a bunch of funny stories that you can pull from to keep you focused on the good. And when you get those dopamine hits instead of stress hormones, your entire family benefits.
In Conclusion
So sometimes you feel overwhelmed or like things aren't going as well as they could be, but I hope by the end of this little blog you've come to realize that you're pretty special, yourself. Your unique combination of patience, negotiation, organization, interpretation, tenacity and humour are EXACTLY what your kids need and you're doing lots of things right. If you were to add a special skill or trait to my list put it in the comments below!
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